Downtime

Well work today is certainly dragging. Some days I absolutely love work, and am challenged creatively, which is all I have ever wanted out of a job. Other days, like today, I sit around and rummage around all over the internet, looking at the same web sites 50 times a day in an attempt to make the day go a little faster. I am starting to realize that all of the downtime I have in my life anymore is making me a lot less healthy and happy than I was a year or even two ago. I have many things in my life that make me much happier than back then. My job is a perfect example of that, and so is my lovely girlfriend Christine. What has changed in a negative way from those days though, is my content with sitting around doing nothing. This is not me!

My whole life I was the kid who couldn't sit still and needed to be doing something 24/7. I was constantly outdoors doing whatever it was that occupied my interests at the time. Not anymore! I go to work, come home and sit around on the computer some more, or watch t.v. which is more or less the same thing. The only things that provide me with some happiness in my house after work are the communication I share with my roommates and watching hockey. I don't want to make myself seem depressed, because I have a lot of things to be thankful for, but what I have developed mostly due to my lack of passion for going out and being active are bad habits.

One bad habit that I am struggling with mightily is too much self-introspection. I study everything I do now, and every feeling I get under a microscope it seems. Most people probably do this to an extent probably, but I have been doing it to the point that it is making me highly uncomfortable and often times full of intense anxiety. I feel like I don't see things around me the way I use too, and I am questioning the rationale and reality behind things constantly. I usually don't believe that deep thinking is a bad thing, but when you accompany it with intense worry it is very problematic and hard to deal with. I have always been a worrier. Anyone who knows me well can attest to that. When something is worrying me, it becomes me. I am unable to be myself, and I focus solely on it. This motivates me to get many things done, and drives me creatively, but it is also debilitating for me at times.

On and off for the past year I have been doing this too myself, and the anxiety problems I have had most of my life have reached great intensity on certain occasions. I am fed up with it though. I am sick of sitting around thinking about myself. I want to be out "there" in this world we get to experience everyday, taking as much of it in as possible, and living my life for that. I am fed up with this internal living habit I have developed. I have taken several steps to try and get out of this. I have completely changed my diet as of 2 weeks ago, and I think it will help. The next thing to change is my lifestyle, and with that I am hoping my overall mentality. I'll be talking about my progress with this periodically on this blog I am sure.

-Chicken-